Waiting for it.

I've been so lazy in my time off. My life has been simple lately, defined only by work during the day and watching television from my bed in the evening. I just worked five days in a row to help the Deli get through Welcome Week. School starts tomorrow and it just hit me that for the first time in almost two decades, I will not be going. However, I feel good about that, because I feel I've reached a new stage in my life and I have no desire to cling desperately to the one that has passed. But I do feel somewhat depressed at my stagnation. I've graduated but I haven't moved much since then. Everything mounted to culminate on that one day when I wore the cap and gown and now, my momentum has simmered, I remain in the same city, the same apartment I was in before, and I'm working the same uninspiring job I worked as a student, only now I'm working more than the weekends.

Ok, enough complaining. Let's look at some prospects. I've applied for an internship with AuthorHouse, a publishing company that helps self-published authors get publicity, etc. I had an interview and they said I was a candidate. A friend who works there told me I had the thing in the bag, from what she could tell. However, they haven't called or emailed, so I'll be calling Monday. The internship is paid, and would improve my resume, as I have no PR experience.

Also, I'm applying for a spring internship with This American Life. It sounds like I'm aiming low, with all these internships. But I've applied for so many jobs and I haven't gotten a bite. Until the economy picks up, it may be better to build, build, build and be ready when the jobs come back.

The internship application for This American Life requires I come up with a documentary story idea. I'm struggling. Bad sign, right? Spencer reminds me that I'm trying to hard, and he's right. I feel like one of those cartoon characters who sits down at her type writer, puts down a few words before ripping the page out and tossing it in the trash can across the room. Over time the can fills to the top and she is still there, bags under her eyes, frustrated, burnt out, blocked.
But I know inspiration will come. Doubt is a destroyer. "Rivers know this. There is no hurry. We shall get there someday."

My best friend Stacy's wedding is this Friday. I am the maid of honor, something I've never been before. I can't believe she is getting married. I can't believe I've been in Bloomington for four years - long enough to meet someone (many people, actually) and watch them exit and enter a number of phases of their life. Reflecting on those phases and anticipating the next ones is so much fun.

What else have I been doing lately? Lighting candles, visualizing big cities and planning. I've been trying to get in shape but I haven't been executing it very well. I've also got plans to go camping but will wait until Spencer is in town. He and I have been apart for a while - he is in Chicago and I remain here. Four hours is much closer than thousands of miles and an ocean apart, so it's not so bad. We got through my study abroad program just fine, and we're surviving long distance just fine, as well. We've become accustomed to talking on the phone a few times a day. My new computer makes video chatting easy.

As for the season, fall seems to be wrapping its crispy orange fingers around the summer heat and cooling it. It's been a mild summer, overall, but tonight it's like 40 degrees and today I was sporting a sweatshirt. Overkill. Late August and summer is already kissing our freckled faces goodbye. It never was really here, not in full. We had maybe a week of 90 degree weather. Weird. But I'm ready for fall, as I always am. That time of year tugs at my heart strings and makes me love everything. I feel more alive then than any other time of the year, which is strange because everything around me is dying.

I guess the best way to sum up my existence right now is to say that I'm ready for the next thing. I'm ready for something new and I'm ready for a big leap forward. I feel like a dog who just watched a tennis ball be tossed across the yard but is waiting for permission to chase it down. My ears are up, my eyes are wide and I'm on my toes, anxious to get started. But nobody's giving me the go. So I'm still waiting. And I'm trying to maintain my interest in the target.