Saturday.

I've got this undeniable sadness that just sits in me and festers. I can feel myself projecting all my anger on the people around me. When I'm not nurtured the way I want to be, everything in me aches. I spent most of today trying to sit alone and feel happy there. It didn't really work. I have a hard time valuing my aloneness when I'm desperate for tender comfort. Can you understand why I'm afraid to leave?

I feel ashamed that I'm so weak. I feel ashamed that I can't be happy on my own. I feel pathetic, and angry with myself because of it. I don't feel stronger when I spend time alone, I just feel lonely. I mean, one minute I want to get away from everyone so that I can cry to myself, but the next, I can't stand the dark silence of my room or the abandonment I feel when I'm in it by myself. And it's not so much the idea of not having people around, it's the terrible feeling that they don't want to be around me, that I'm not worthy of their time, not special enough to attract their attention. Isn't that pathetic?

I went to the Cascades and sat on the swing for a bit. I got cold, so I left. I went to Tutto Bene and had cheesecake, tried to read, didn't really find any comfort in it. I feel like an addict, like I have to get my next fix, and I can't wait to be around people again so I can feel the loneliness lift and I can be a real person.

Am I better now?
I just feel really depressed.

A new start. A Wednesday.

I just deleted a lot of my posts, because I've decided I'd like to keep my daily activities and my deepest personal feelings in separate corners. If I want anyone to read this while I'm in Italy, I have to keep my private emotions out of it, as not to offend whoever.

I'm sitting in the sun at Vienna, and outside there is an Asian man sleeping in the front seat of his car, mouth wide open and most likely snoring. Chuckle.

I'm listening to Chet Baker and enjoying the soft, benign sounds of jazz humming in my ears. I don't particularly love jazz but it keeps me removed from the anxiety pulsing through my veins, and I don't really have to think about anything. Vienna is always reminiscent for me of high school, soft love and inspiration. I feel so comforted here, most of the time. Aha, I'd say this was another garden of mine. Add that to the list in the margins.

As I type, the burn on my wrist rubs against the plastic of the computer.

How many days? 39 days. My heart picks up beat as if I've just chugged two pots of coffee when I think about leaving. The closer it gets, the less excitement I feel and the more anxiety I confront. I've got to change my mindset. I'm going to Italy! Buck up, stop being a sap and get happy.

Things yet to do: find a sublet, pack and move my things, change my returning date, plan my trip with Stacy, make money.

A bleak Friday.

I slept in today after watching 300 last night with Curtis, Stacy and CJ. This morning I woke up at 10, worked at 11, and I just left work about 30 minutes ago. Now I'm being useless by surfing the web and laughing at Lolcats.com.

I think one of the better things about working is playing the question game with Kyle. Most recently, he asked, "What is the sexiest thing about a guy's personality?" I said confidence, stability, and empathy.

I have the rest of the night to do whatever I want. I'm not sure what I'll actually do, but if I had to guess, I'd say I'll probably just read all night. I have tomorrow off, then I work on Sunday and I leave for home afterwards. I had a good conversation with Jacob today. I suppose he's nicer than I give him credit for. I think he's someone who has to warm up to you.

I'm also making a conscious effort to be more happy and to have a positive outlook. This morning I felt less than excited about work, so I listened to some fun music on my way there and tried to be uplifting. It helped and I had a decent day.

I have an urge to read Angels and Demons by Dan Brown, which can most likely be contributed to it taking place in Rome.


Missing Spence but not letting it get me down.

On that note, I think I'll go distract myself with some reading.

A Thursday alone.

The Roman theatre was shaped with a half circle or orchestra space in front of the stage. Most often the audience sat here in comfortable chairs. Occasionally, however, the actors would perform in this space.The audience was usually more interested in their favorite actors than the play itself. The actors would try to win over the audience's praise with decorative masks, costumes, dancing and mime. If the play scripted an actor's dying, a condemned man would take the place of the actor at the last moment and actually be killed on stage. The Romans loved the bloodthirsty spectacles. During the Renaissance a prominent Italian family built their home on top of the Ancient Theatre for added protection.

I've been sleeping too much lately. Yesterday I slept until 2 and today I woke up at 8 and took a two hour nap later. Spencer left this morning around 10 and I cried in my loneliness and felt pathetic. Its not so much that he's gone, it's knowing that with the end of the holidays and the beginning of the second semester, I know that an answer is due. I know that we'll have to figure out what to do, be it stay together or end it, or something somewhere in the middle. I find myself terrified of making the next move. Loving someone so much and not knowing if you're able to keep them...

I went to the Crepery and had a Crepe Suzette and a hot chocolate. Read a lot about Italy and the Italian ways. Did you know the Romans invented concrete? Also, if you are a woman, you cannot legally be "raped" in bluejeans because they are "so tight that removing them almost indefinitely requires consent." Note to self: no bluejeans.

I came home for a bit only to find that Curtis had bought a German Shepard puppy. He asked me to go with him to Petco and grab some supplies, so I obliged and we took a trip with the dog. She is so cute, and I think a dog will be good for him. CJ and I might go over to his place later tonight and watch 300 on the giant television he has in his living room.

I was thinking a lot of thoughts today. I was thinking about the law of attraction, and how I never really apply it to my life. I can relate to the comment made on The Secret about most people believing their life is on default, and that everything happens by chance. I'd like to believe otherwise, but optimism is so hard when you're so afraid of change, and so attached to certain forms of comfort. I realize, once I'm alone, how hallow I am on the inside and how unstable my feet are below me. I'm afraid of the next month. I'm afraid to be depressed before I leave. I'm afraid to have high hopes.

My hands smell like puppy. My house is so quiet. I think my roommate is nocturnal. Three completely different thoughts in one paragraph.

A lazy Monday.

I just finished writing a cover letter and adjusting my resume for my application to be a travel journalist for Cafe Abroad. Who knew? I was hoping an opportunity like that would come along. I was starting to feel anxious about how urgent it will be for me to get an internship when I return from Rome. I feel qualified. I feel like I'll get this internship (and it's paid!).

Last night Spencer, Jersey, Stacy, Steven, Mike, Curtis and I saw I Am Legend with Will Smith. I won't say I hated it, but it could have been better. First of all, the director did a great job of portraying an image of New York City three years after desertion, grown over and empty, wild animals roaming and hunting between the piles of cars. Also, you felt Will Smith's loneliness in the midst of the abandoned buildings. The director also did a good job of pulling at my heartstrings when Will Smith's dog companion was killed by rabid zombie dogs. It was a German Shepard, so of course, I cried. A lot. The whole theater heard me.
But, I feel like the zombie people were too computer animated, which made them a lot less scary than they could have been. I didn't feel afraid enough. I related to them too much because they were still recognizable as intelligent human beings.
In the end Will Smith was obviously portraying a Jesus Christ figure, screaming, "I can save you! Let me save you!" and blowing himself up to "light up the darkness."

After the movie, we came back to the house and slept. Slept until noonish. Woke up and here I am after a few hours of writing and sitting at my computer. I need to shower and get out in the world. It's still snowy and cold. The tree is unlit and the dog is nowhere to be found, nor are any of my roommates.

I think today I'll go to the library and find a book on Italian politics.

A Sunday.

Sitting in my room. I've been shopping all day in the cold, icy weather. It snowed about three inches last night and then it all thawed (again). Tonight it's all freezing over again.
I started at Urban, where I purchased a $50 pair of (skinny) jeans for only $30 with my blessed employee discount. They're corduroy. Yum. But I find everything there is a little dull and extremely overpriced.

I went to Cactus Flower but didn't find anything. Went to Borders and bought two books for the grandparents. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera for Grandma and On The Road by Jack Kerouac for Grandpa. I got dad a nice pair of fleece sweatpants as a quick fix for his apparent habit of walking around the house naked in the middle of the night when members of the family are still awake. I bought Spencer a nice blue striped sweater which I am currently wearing, tags still on, because it is so comfortable. My feet are sore, and after a day at the mall, I can say I hate it.

I'm listening to Grateful Dead. I have so much music on my computer that I never listen to. I have more technology than I know what to do with.

Burning sandalwood, which apparently has skyrocketed in price due to its rarity. It smells so damn good. Somehow fresh.

The tree is unlit and under it there is one less present as the dog tore one up today in our absence. She's been attention starved and frustrated all weekend with Stacy and Steven gone.

The Alternative is going out of print. It is going to be online, though. I was thinking today about the people you meet that help you along the way. I used to think Steven Higgs was a jerk, but then I got to know him and he helped me get an internship. He's someone I'll keep close to my heart always.

In academic news, I got 4 A's this semester. My fifth grade has yet to be reported, but I expect a B. I can't believe I did so well. High five.

My feet hurt.

We're going to see I Am Legend in about an hour. Out in the blustery night once more.

A Saturday in the Snow.

I just got off the phone with Spencer.
He came over last night. I woke up feeling whole again. I love him, it's true.

I just got off work and I forgot to drop my money. So I'll have to stop by again and do that. I also need to do some serious Christmas shopping today.

The tree is unlit and I'm not sure where the dog is but I can hear her nails clicking on the wood floors. I'm taking care of her today and tomorrow while Stacy and Steven are gone. I don't work tomorrow.

I feel like I'm bored, but I refuse to allow myself to be bored. I refuse. Boredom is ones own fault.

Oh, and it snowed today. It was so beautiful this morning while I drove to The Deli. Now it's raining and the snow is melting into slush that I have to avoid. I walk around on my tip toes to keep the bottom of my pants dry. Being short has its disadvantages. Actually, being short has very few advantages at all.

A Friday.

"In April, the Supreme Court rejected the Bush administration’s contention that carbon dioxide was not a pollutant and ordered it to review its environmental policies. Dozens of states are moving ahead with caps on greenhouse gases."

Article in the Times.

It's been a long day. Really, I didn't do a whole lot, but whatever I did exhausted me. Spencer and I had a huge misunderstanding that I will elaborate on later. I worked 4 - 9:30 and didn't make jack squat. I work tomorrow at 7 am.

The tree is lit and the dog is in her room. Spencer just pulled up.

A Thursday Night.

I know there is comfort where
we overlap
overlaplaplaplap
over lap lap lap

I've been painting here and there. Stacy got me this amazing calender for Christmas. I don't have it beside me so I won't tell you the artist, but it's all watercolors. Trees and sunsets in purple and red bleeding into one another. It's all got an oriental art feel to it, and of course, I love it even more for that. It inspired me to pull my watercolors out of the bottom drawer and attempt a few designs. I didn't do anything particularly impressive, but it was a nice reminder of how much I used to love to sit in the basement at my mother's drawing table and paint sunset after sunset, some stamped with the Chicago skyline, and all split horizontally down the middle by Lake Michigan.

Now that I'm done with all my finals, I feel strange with nothing to do. I feel panicked. Like I've left the water on the stove, or forgotten to unplug my curling iron. I guess it's not easy moving from stress mode into relaxation. My blood pressure hasn't adjusted yet. Maybe some yoga. There's nothing left to do but ponder the future, and that's scary. I have so much to plan and arrange. I guess the end of the semester signifies that it's really happening. I'm really leaving, and sooner than later. What?

The tree is still unlit. The dog is on the carpet, lying on her side with her legs stretched out in front of her. She looks up at me from time to time and winks. And now it's evening and it's dark out and the night has flown by.

My history professor corresponded with me through email today. He sent me an article out of the New York Times that talked about how the Italians are among the most unhappy people in the world, and how it is politically linked. The writer said if things don't change, Italy could become the Florida of Europe. I chuckled.

"The generational problem is the Italian problem," said Mario Adinolfi, 36, a blogger and an aspiring lawmaker. "In every country young people hope. Here in Italy there is no hope anymore. Your mom keeps you home nice and softly, and you stay there and you don't fight. And if you don't fight, it is impossible to take power from anybody."

I am staying at home this evening for the first time in about a week. That makes probably five or six times in two months. I don't like sleeping alone. Correction: I don't like sleeping without Spencer. I miss being close to him. I mean that in more than one sense. Physicality is comforting, but the internal connection...God I miss that. It's been lingering in and out, with both of us awaiting our impending doom come February. Both of us trying to read one another like books we've read before but can't quite remember how they end. But I am staying here...right here, waiting. I'm just so exhausted. It's hard to give without knowing if you'll ever really get as much back. It's hard to pour yourself neatly into a glass for someone and not know if you'll ever be completely refilled. When will you decide? (You and you both). I'd like to wait forever. But. It's hard to have faith.



Herbalism.
Reading. The library.
Italian everything.
Physical activity.
Work.
Knitting.
Meditating.
Coffee shops where I love the smell but really, all I go for is the tea.
Spending time with people I love.

There's more that I'd like to do with the next month and a half, but I don't remember what it all is. I'd like to find my inner being and take shelter in her. I

Freedom is had when all hope subsides.

A Thursday

I'm studying for my last final exam of the semester, which I will take at 7:00. A headache is lingering where my skull meets my neck, a clear indication that I was entirely too drunk last night. I was. And I knew it. Everyone else was celebrating the ends of their semesters. I, on the other hand, was simply celebrating. All I really remember were a lot of embarrassing moments being had by many a person, lots of yelling and jumping around, and of course, tequila shots. Left over sticky salt on my hand. All of it meaningless once my head hits the pillow.

I feel I did well on all my other exams. My history paper was a challenge, as was the video project I turned in for J210. I'm glad to be (almost) done. I have a month and a half to dick around, try to become more intelligent (not to mention more fit...), learn about the Italian culture and become stable on my own. That last one might not be accomplished until I'm actually forced to leave the country and BE on my own. But I can try.

The dog sleeps curled in a ball by the window, exhaling quiet puffs of air rhythmically. Across the room, the Christmas tree stands unlit, looking sad in the shadows of the passing gray afternoon. All I can think is that I hate living in suspense, and I want the weight sitting in my gut to lift and I want to feel as though I truly believe I'll be stable. I have the ability.