Sunday, November 22, 2009

Head bumps and puppies



I'm recovering from five days of Spencer time. He was here and now he is not. We celebrated his birthday with dinner at a new local restaurant called Sweet Grass. My buy. I also bought him a new video game which, to my delight, we could play together and enjoy together. The only less than great thing that happened was when Spencer knocked his poor head into the corner of my night stand. We're not really sure how it happened. But it did, and he had the welt to prove it.

We went to the mall and looked at puppies, like we so often do, even though we know we can't get one. And I always fall in love with a cute little babe. This one was especially hard to leave.


We named her Charlie, because she kept biting our fingers with her little puppy teeth (if you don't get the reference, Google "Charlie bit my finger").

I've been working non-stop this weekend, which is good for my wallet and bad for both my attitude and my body. Sore feet, aching back, etc. More than anything I hate the way it makes me feel about the people I wait on. By the end of the day I'm so annoyed and ready to be done that I think they're all idiots. But today was okay. I had some nice customers and it was busy, so I kept my mind focused on staying ahead. I didn't have time to gripe.

I took a picture of this family:


They've been coming to the Deli since I started working there, which has been three years now. I feel like I've watched the kids grow up. And they love their dad, and they are so playful with him. I don't know where the mother is, but they seem happy enough to be out to The Deli for breakfast with their pops.



Monday, November 16, 2009

Reading and writing and replying.

Writing letters. Drinking coffee. Sending out postcards to far away loves. Yum.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Taking Back the River

Excerpts from Women Who Run With the Wolves.

Respond; that is how to clear the river. Wolves lead immensely creative lives. They make dozens of choices every day, decide this way or that, estimate how far, concentrate on their prey, calculate the chances, seize opportunity, react powerfully to accomplish their goals. Their ability to find the hidden, to coalesce intention, to focus on the desired outcome and to act in their own behalves to gain it, are the exact characteristics required for creative follow-through in humans.

To create one must be able to respond. Creativity is the ability to respond to all that goes on around us, to choose from the hundreds of possibilities of thought, feeling, action, and reaction and to put these together in a unique response, expression, or message that carries moment, passion, and meaning. In this sense, loss of our creative milieu means finding ourselves limited to only one choice, divested of, suppressing, or censoring feelings and thoughts, not acting, not saying, doing, or being.

Be wild; that is how to clear the river. The river does not flow in polluted, we manage that. The river does not dry up, we block it. If we want to allow it its freedom, we have to allow our ideational lives to be let loose, to stream, letting anything come, initially censoring nothing. That is creative life. It is made up of divine paradox. To create on must be willing to be stone stupid, to sit upon a throne on top of a jackass and spill rubies from one's mouth. Then the river will flow, then we can stand in the stream of it raining down. We can put out our skirts and shirts to catch as much as we can carry.

Begin; this is how to clear the polluted river. If you're scared, scared to fail, I say begin already, fail if you must, pick yourself up, start again. If you fail again, you fail. So what? Begin again. It is not the failure that holds us back but the reluctance to begin over again that causes us to stagnate. If you're scared, so what? If you're afraid something's going to leap out and bite you, then for heaven's sake, get it over with already. Let your fear leap out and bite you so you can get it over with and go on. You'll get over it. The fear will pass. In this case, it is better if you meet it head-on, feel it, and get it over with, than keep using it to avoid cleaning up the river.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The moon from my eyes.


It's glowing bright and full like it has been for a few nights now. I feel when the moon is full. I feel when it is half full. I feel when it is empty. I mean dark. I mean, gone.

Some rambling convictions

Lately I've spent a lot of time trying to find a way to be successful, creative and generally productive without a full time writing job. More than many things, I want to get paid to tell good stories, but it seems the world has little need for story tellers right now. Instead there is a call for investment bankers, economists and the like.

However, I refuse to believe our people have been consumed, digested and reborn as sterile, number crunching robots with no sense of connection unless fed by a remote control or an electrical outlet. It cannot be that there is no need for creative sharing between humans. It is impossible that we are only interested in our individual lives and I don't believe we, as a people, are content in just being awake. Just breathing...blinking.

We want to live. We want to understand our purpose for living. That's why we go to bookstores and search the aisles for a gripping novel to read in what little spare time we have. It's why we buy candles when we don't need them to illuminate our houses but just want to bask in their warm, flickering light. It's why we meditate when the only real minimum requirement is eight hours of shut eye. It's why we still sit down together for holidays when we could settle for a conference call or a Skype session. It's why we still look into the eyes of our loved ones and why we all wonder, every single day, what the person next to us is thinking. We want to connect with our souls. We want to feed our spirits. We want to study our existence as living beings. We are still trying to figure out where we came from and why. We are still trying to find meaning in our lives and this cannot be found without extending outward to those around us.

It is for these reasons I refuse to believe humans have maxed out their creativity intake. There is room for more. In fact, there is a gaping hole waiting to be filled with new ideas, new stories, the ponderous thoughts and concerns of the people around us. Our meaning doesn't lie within our bank accounts or computer hard drives. So let's step away. Step away and cradle the value in a good conversation, in understanding human nature. Doing such is like coming home from a barren landscape to an oasis of nourishment

We all feel the same emotions. Sharing them and studying them like the precious clues they are can bring us closer to enlightenment, well being, inner and outer peace.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Ski Trip Epic Fail

Last winter I went with 13 family members and my boyfriend Spencer to Colorado for an annual ski trip extravaganza. This trip is something we look forward to all year. We dream about the view from the slopes of the Rocky Mountains. We anticipate the fresh snow, the smell of the pine trees, and the inevitable catastrophic wipeouts that strip you of everything but your jacket and ski boots. We were ready for a relaxing, stress free vacation. We had no idea how badly the trip would go.

We rented a two-story log cabin with a loft, three bathrooms and two bedrooms. A number of us slept in the loft where there were four beds, while others slept in the bedrooms downstairs, and still others slept on couches. We were packed into the place like sardines. Perhaps this was our first mistake.

The first night in the cabin, my grandparents fell ill with a stomach virus. They were debilitated. Being optimistic, we assumed it was altitude sickness and hoped it would pass. Nonetheless we spent our first day on the slopes without them, and upon our arrival at the cabin afterwards they greeted us with dinner, which we ate hungrily. This may have been our second mistake. We all headed to bed, ready for another attempt at the slopes in the morning. But at around midnight, trouble stirred in the loft.

I heard my boyfriend Spencer groan next to me. He stood up, holding his stomach with one hand, gripping the railing of the staircase with the other and headed to the bathroom downstairs. I knew exactly what was about to happen, and within seconds after closing the door behind him, he was hurling his dinner. His long and loud purges echoed throughout the cabin over the hum of the bathroom fan. I was mortified. I was mortified first and foremost because someone I was dating was capable of making such awful noises, but also because I was just beginning to realize this illness was contagious and could have infected the whole lot of us.

A few moments later, with Spencer still in the bathroom, I heard my cousin stir from across the room. She shot out of bed with her hand over her mouth and sprinted to the bathroom on the second floor. I sat in silence without a clue as to what could happen next, waiting for the next casualty to emerge. We could hear the both of them almost simultaneously spilling their guts.

I made my way downstairs to comfort Spencer when I saw my stepmother shuffle quickly toward the third bathroom. That brought the number of victims to three in 30 minutes. Both the speed and the brutality of the bug alarmed those of us who had not yet shown symptoms, and we began to look at one another with a sort of fearful suspicion, trying to guess who would be next and questioning whether the pains in our stomachs were due to nausea or terror.

It was at this point we realized that at the rate the illness was picking us off, we might not have enough vessels to vomit in. As a result, my father gathered all the trash bins he could find and put them in strategic locations throughout the house.

Between vomiting sessions, when the house fell silent, we sat around the kitchen table in the dark, sipping Fresca and laughing embarrassingly at the noises coming from the bathrooms. We had no choice but to endure them. You hope no one has to hear you make those noises, and you hope never to hear them coming from another person, let alone someone you know and have to spend the next week with.

The next morning, with all of us exhausted and some of us at least 10 lbs lighter, we decided we would be safe to stay off the slopes for the day. We figured the worst possible time to vomit is on a ski lift, 100 feet above solid ground where snowboarders and elite skiers glide helplessly and unsuspectingly below.

While some of the family ventured back onto the mountain for the last day of the trip, we lost most of our precious vacation to the flu and our fear of contracting it. While we had wanted the view from the slopes, we spent most of our time peering into a toilet bowl. The smell of the pine trees was replaced with the smell of vomit and hand soap. And while there were no wipeouts or fantastic takedowns on the mountain, we were in disarray, defeated, handicapped.

Despite the calamity, we reflect more fondly on this trip than many others from the past, not because we enjoyed being sick, but because the illness forced us to stay positive, to find the good in time spent in close quarters, and to be vulnerable with one another. We felt closer not because we enjoyed the mountains together, but because we all saw the irony in the impeccable timing of our plague. We had, essentially, spent thousands of dollars to vomit at high altitude. And in such hopeless times, there is little to do but laugh, and play Jenga, and drink large quantities of ginger ale.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Waiting for it.

I've been so lazy in my time off. My life has been simple lately, defined only by work during the day and watching television from my bed in the evening. I just worked five days in a row to help the Deli get through Welcome Week. School starts tomorrow and it just hit me that for the first time in almost two decades, I will not be going. However, I feel good about that, because I feel I've reached a new stage in my life and I have no desire to cling desperately to the one that has passed. But I do feel somewhat depressed at my stagnation. I've graduated but I haven't moved much since then. Everything mounted to culminate on that one day when I wore the cap and gown and now, my momentum has simmered, I remain in the same city, the same apartment I was in before, and I'm working the same uninspiring job I worked as a student, only now I'm working more than the weekends.

Ok, enough complaining. Let's look at some prospects. I've applied for an internship with AuthorHouse, a publishing company that helps self-published authors get publicity, etc. I had an interview and they said I was a candidate. A friend who works there told me I had the thing in the bag, from what she could tell. However, they haven't called or emailed, so I'll be calling Monday. The internship is paid, and would improve my resume, as I have no PR experience.

Also, I'm applying for a spring internship with This American Life. It sounds like I'm aiming low, with all these internships. But I've applied for so many jobs and I haven't gotten a bite. Until the economy picks up, it may be better to build, build, build and be ready when the jobs come back.

The internship application for This American Life requires I come up with a documentary story idea. I'm struggling. Bad sign, right? Spencer reminds me that I'm trying to hard, and he's right. I feel like one of those cartoon characters who sits down at her type writer, puts down a few words before ripping the page out and tossing it in the trash can across the room. Over time the can fills to the top and she is still there, bags under her eyes, frustrated, burnt out, blocked.
But I know inspiration will come. Doubt is a destroyer. "Rivers know this. There is no hurry. We shall get there someday."

My best friend Stacy's wedding is this Friday. I am the maid of honor, something I've never been before. I can't believe she is getting married. I can't believe I've been in Bloomington for four years - long enough to meet someone (many people, actually) and watch them exit and enter a number of phases of their life. Reflecting on those phases and anticipating the next ones is so much fun.

What else have I been doing lately? Lighting candles, visualizing big cities and planning. I've been trying to get in shape but I haven't been executing it very well. I've also got plans to go camping but will wait until Spencer is in town. He and I have been apart for a while - he is in Chicago and I remain here. Four hours is much closer than thousands of miles and an ocean apart, so it's not so bad. We got through my study abroad program just fine, and we're surviving long distance just fine, as well. We've become accustomed to talking on the phone a few times a day. My new computer makes video chatting easy.

As for the season, fall seems to be wrapping its crispy orange fingers around the summer heat and cooling it. It's been a mild summer, overall, but tonight it's like 40 degrees and today I was sporting a sweatshirt. Overkill. Late August and summer is already kissing our freckled faces goodbye. It never was really here, not in full. We had maybe a week of 90 degree weather. Weird. But I'm ready for fall, as I always am. That time of year tugs at my heart strings and makes me love everything. I feel more alive then than any other time of the year, which is strange because everything around me is dying.

I guess the best way to sum up my existence right now is to say that I'm ready for the next thing. I'm ready for something new and I'm ready for a big leap forward. I feel like a dog who just watched a tennis ball be tossed across the yard but is waiting for permission to chase it down. My ears are up, my eyes are wide and I'm on my toes, anxious to get started. But nobody's giving me the go. So I'm still waiting. And I'm trying to maintain my interest in the target.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Platforms

Life knocked me off my platform
so I pulled out my first pair of boots
bought on the street at Astor Place
before New York was run by suits

And I suited up for the long walk
back to myself
closer to the ground now
with sorrow
and stealth.

-Ani DiFranco.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Me and the moon, she said.

I'm sitting on my porch. It's 3:45 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon, and I just got off work. It's warm, but the humidity left with last night's rainclouds, so there is only a pleasant breeze and crisp rays of sunshine through the full green leaves that cover Washington Street. Someone down the road is playing "Do You Love Me?" on the radio and the song is so appropriate for a lazy summer Sunday.

Last evening Spencer and I watched the end of Frost Nixon. The movie failed to stimulate my thinking, and I spent most of my time silently criticizing Frank Langella's acting. Good idea for a story, but I think the best Nixon/Watergate movie will always be All The President's Men.

When the movie ended we video chatted with Jersey, Rick and Nick Vandermolen and we all decided we'd go bowling. Nevermind that it was almost midnight. It was Nick's last night in town and none of us had done much of anything all day. So we went. Upon leaving the house, I stopped dead in my tracks to stare at the half moon. It was glowing like a night light in the darkest of all bedroom corners. Its rays were like a shower of spiritual renewal for my neglected body, its limbs flimsy and burdened by empty activity, its skin sticky with sweat from a day's work at a stingy breakfast joint. I stepped out into the glow of the moonlight and I could feel - physically feel - my soul lighting up, juicing up, charging again after days of running on low batteries. I stood there, my arms stretched out at my sides, and I sighed. Behind me, thunder clouds lingered, invisible in the darkness except when illuminated by lightening.

I wish more things made me feel so alive as a clear night sky. I feel small and huge, insignificant and diminished, giant and invicible all at the same time. I heard someone say once that through meditation, they achieved a state of consciousness that made them feel as though the world is in harmony, that we are all one living being, and the only thing that matters is this moment. That's what the night sky does to me. It brings me back to home base. It gives me stable ground to stand on and observe from. It clarifies everything for me. And the moon, with her milky rays, reaches down and soaks up all heaviness in me and absorbs it into her silk skin. She leaves me like a fresh pearl. She leaves me like a newborn baby.

http://imagecache.allposters.com/images/pic/PIN/MRL19~Half-Moon-Posters.jpg

Thursday, May 28, 2009

What I'm reading. What you should be reading.

Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins

http://smallvictories.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/still-life-with-woodpecker.jpg

I'm reading it for the second time now, and it's fantastic.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

My Tumblr.

Also, I have a Tumblr, which is essentially another blog, but it's better. I'll still post on here from time to time, but whatever I put on here, goes to my Tumblr.
The link is here.

Enjoy.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Roots and bobcats.

We went Bobcatting tonight. Bobcatting is tradition. We've been doing it since my freshman year, at least. It's when we drive to Brown County to watch the sunset, run around in the woods and have a blast. Sometimes we get yelled at by passerbys. Tonight, the chosen phrase was, "White power!" They yelled it twice. That's all it took to remind me that Bloomington is still part of southern Indiana, and if you leave the city, you're in unfamiliar waters. Dangerous waters.

Today I also started my volunteer work at the community garden. I spent two hours turning soil, raking and planting grass. It was nice to be somewhere new, doing new things, meeting new people. The weather was fantastic for digging in the dirt.
My plants here at home are surviving quite nicely. I'm growing basil, tomatoes, aloe, sage, chamomile and a number of other things. I love watching them poke their little green heads out of the dark, damp dirt. All I can do is encourage them to keep growing (and I do so, audibly). People must think I'm a little nuts, with all the time I spend on my back porch, peering into the pots, obsessing over temperature and sunlight. It started pouring a few days ago while I was at work and all I could think about was how my plants were surely drowning. Silly.

Also, I cut a few pieces of spearmint out of the giant batch that grows in Spencer's yard. I brought them home and put them in water and a few weeks later, they've begun to grow roots. They're reaching out, adapting, making it work. Soon I'll plant them and they will have survived.

If you wait long enough, you'll grow roots anywhere.








Saturday, April 18, 2009

Salsa and such.

It's 7:03 a.m. and I have to leave for work in 10 minutes. But, I wanted to write about my Friday, as it was fantastic for several reasons. First, it was almost 80 degrees and sunny, which brightens anyone's mood. Second, I had the day off and I got to sleep in. Around 10 a.m. I met a Tajik man for coffee at Starbucks. I had to interview him for a class I'm taking. He talked all about Tajikistan, the issues it faces, the people there, the troubles in Afghanistan and the surrounding countries. If he said anything that stuck, it was, "When you hear of the trouble in the middle east, always remember that it's not religion, it's politics." He is disgusted by the way people are using Islam as an excuse to do harm. He became visible angry when the topic came up. The two hour conversation was enlightening, and it encouraged me to travel.

Last night we stumbled upon a Turkish dance party where I learned to salsa and we mingled with new people and new music. It was fantastic. Blaine was in town for one last hoorah before he ships out to Iraq. And we spent most of the day frisbee gofling.

Really, I don't know how it could have been a better day.

Now I'm off to the Deli and I will no doubt be paying for yesterday with homework today. But, that's alright. Sometimes all you need is a day off.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Robots.

This, too.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Example of Radical Evolution

This

is predicting

this.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Be happy.



I took this video while we waited for a train to take us back to Rome. I don't remember where we were, because we had only been in Italy for two weeks and I was still somewhat disoriented. But we had come from a festival of liberation.

I haven't looked at the videos or pictures from Italy for a long time. Tonight I did, and I remember that my life is full of amazing experiences, and all of them have changed me from the outside in and from the inside out. It's hard sometimes to remember the good things from yesterday and not allow how much you miss them to distract you from today's experiences. Being present is incredibly important and I'd like to get better at it. Things happen. You should be there for them, instead of stuck in the past or worried about the future.

Life is too short, and we are all entirely too fragile to be worried all the time. So, let's get happy. Put on your brightest colors, dance in the rain, sing out loud, kick up dust, eat weird, delicious food, hug your lovers, breathe in deep and be happy.



Friday, March 27, 2009

Never more will trouble us.

I got an email today from an old professor of mine, Konstantin Dierks. He teaches in the history department and I took a beginning U.S. history course with him last year. We have since kept in touch and he has added me to what he calls his "A-Team." It's a group of several past students who have stood out as being "interesting and strange," as he put it. Or something. My placement on this email list was finalized after lunch this past fall. We met at Chow Bar on Indiana and talked about culture, Italy, film, music, my plans for the future, etc. He has written letters of recommendation for me in the past and kindly corresponds when he has time. Well, he has a newborn so we haven't been in touch often. Finally I got this email today and was delighted to hear from him. Amazing how contact with other people can be so fantastically uplifting.

I checked out the other students on the email list. Michael Sanserino is one of them. I laughed. Sanserino is the editor in chief of the Indiana Daily Student newspaper here on campus. We worked together last semester. He landed a summer internship with the Wall Street Journal. I feel happy to be on the same email list as him. I feel happy to know we both have intellectual curiousity.

More later, I suppose. Just a short update.

It is finally spring here in Bloomington. The trees are so lovely. Life is springing from every branch, and the sticky little flowers are opening to the sunshine. The smell the blooming trees release is almost intoxicating. It's thick and sweet and warm. I am delighted and content.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I wish I may

If I could go back and do it all differently, here's what I would change.

I'd have been more involved in non-profit groups. I'd have liked to work with Big Brothers/Sisters or the Boys and Girls Club. It would have been nice to have worked at a summer camp. It looks good on a resume if you have a few years of charity work or community work, and I'm sure it gives one a sense of satisfaction or fulfillment.

I'd have taken classes that focused on new media. I took a few of those, but really, most of my classes were about news writing and now I'm graduating with little knowledge about the web and multimedia. I would have taken a course on radio broadcasting, or something like that, too.

I would have gotten an internship sooner. I feel like I put it off. My first really valuable internship is at the HT, and I'm currently a senior. I could have gotten some summer internships sophomore and senior year, and I'd be ahead of the game.

That said, here's what I would never give up, and I'm proud to say I've done:
I wrote for three years for the school paper.
I spent a semester abroad.
I learned how to work in a restaurant and met some great people in the process.
I have a solid group of friends and some of the best memories.
I wrote for a small, local publication about the environment.
I learned to live alone and love it.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Culmination.

I've spent the last week letting go of everything I know to be comfortable. I can feel it slipping from me and no matter how far I strain my neck to see what is behind me, I cannot turn around. There is a wall being built between then and now and I am on the other side of it with no idea of what lies ahead of me and nothing to keep me going that way but a sense that I must. That's how I describe my most recent actions. I am driven by a deep knowing that sits inside me and guides me, despite my protest. Consciously, I hate what I'm doing. I hate that I'm leaving the past three years of my life behind me and moving on to something I can't define. I hate the panic that ensues when I think about what's really happening to me. Did I honestly make this decision? What has come over me?

I remember Elizabeth Gilbert saying that at least once in your life, you will do something or make something that is not yours, and you will come out of it wondering who took the wheel, because it certainly wasn't you. That's how I feel. I feel like I'm along for the ride, and my soul is a reckless driver. I'm gripping the "oh shit handles" and screaming like hell in protest, but I can't get out of the car. I have to go. The horizon is visible, though I don't know what's on it. I think that's the most terrifying part of it all...the not knowing.

Yesterday I drove out to Lake Monroe just to sit on the water's edge and listen. I was so close to nature and I felt it wrap me up and rock me like a mother does her child. I sat and I watched the moon rise over the lake as the birds soared above me. I could hear the feathers of their wings rustle as they flew, their calls echoed across the rippling water.

I was so at peace, I was afraid to leave.

But I did. I went to Bloomingfoods and picked up fresh groceries - pasta and tomatoes and fresh basil and garlic. Some bread and brie. Coffee and strawberries for the morning.
I came home and cleaned the house with the windows and both doors open and the music on. It was about 65 degrees and I felt fantastic.

But the pasta still sits in the pan, unwrapped and waiting. The fresh basil has wilted. The bread is stale. I settled for toaster waffles. And now I'm drinking cheap wine and avoiding my homework.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Nothing, really. And that's the best part.

They left you alone
She's cheap.
What am I doing all the way over here?
Swoosh. Coffee. Brew. Drip Dribble Drip.
DING! Wake up!
Clang! Silverware bang, southern slang and a telephone rang.
Thought I was hungry.
Ordered a Smörgåsbord
Turns out I wasn't.
Took two bites, left it cold.
Broken egg yolks, sticky and smeared.
I turn a new page and its plainness beckons me.
I am free again.





I want to go swimming in new words.
I'd let them flow over my skin
and describe me eloquently.
I would eat them, gobble them up and
spit them out later
when they were called for,
when their pronunciation would be most satisfying,
and saying them produced wild afterthoughts
that's about all I am lately.
Lots and lots of afterthoughts.

Monday, February 23, 2009

I'm yours.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment baby sing with me
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Clarity

I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to

Was there a second of time that I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Was anything enough to kiss the ground?
And say I'm here now and she's here now

Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't
Because it won't
And I will waste no time
Worried 'bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time
Remaining in our lives together


Friday, February 20, 2009

Listening

Excerpts from Women Who Run With the Wolves.

The way to maintain one's connection to the wild self is to ask yourself what it is that you want. This is the sorting of the seed from the dirt. One of the most important discriminations we can make in this matter is the difference between things that beckon to us and things that call from our souls.

When we are connected to the instinctual self, to the soul of the feminine which is natural and wild, then instead of looking over whatever happens to be on display, we say to ourselves, 'What am I hungry for?" Without looking at anything outwardly, we venture inward, and ask, "What do I long for? What do I wish for now?" Alternate phrases are "What do I crave? What do I desire? For what do I yearn?" And the answer usually arrives rapidly: "Oh, I think I want...you know what would be really good, is some this or that...ah yes, that's what I really want."

This discrimination is one of the most difficult things to learn, for it takes spirit, will and soulfulness and it often means holding out for what one wants. Nowhere can this be seen more clearly than in the choice of mates and lovers. A lover cannot be chosen a la smorgasbord. A lover hast o be chosen from soul-craving. To choose just because something mouth-watering stands before you will never satisfy the hunger of the soul-Self. And that is what intuition is for; it is a direct messenger of the soul.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Fresh.

I feel. My fingertips are tingling. I want to sleep outside under the stars and soak in the darkness. I want to bang on drums and dance till I'm sweaty. I am overwhelmed with my emotions and how strong they are. As spring rolls in slowly like a looming storm, I am shaken out of my slumber and awake. And I find. Simplicity. Ease.

Comfort.

So much more to see in our darkest places.

I don't know. I need this. Whatever it is. I hate to be cryptic but even I don't know what I'm writing about. There is a shift occurring in my life right now and it's just kicking my ass. I feel like a whole new person.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Theater.

There is no script. I have no lines. I have no guidance. My inner voice has quieted and I am lost in the darkness. The only thing it told me last night was to stay, sleep, quiet. Since then, it has floated off or tucked itself deep down somewhere I can't find. I am crying. I am exhausted. It's been such a long week of conflicting thoughts. I realized today how long it had been since I cried. I don't remember the last time.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Win-a-trip essay

So this is what I submitted for the competition. I think I've got a shot, man. Give me feedback.

Unplugging. Reconnecting.

Jessica Hullinger
Bloomington, Indiana


Nearly half of all young Americans cannot find New York on a map. Six out of ten cannot find Iraq, and nine of ten can’t find Afghanistan. These statistics come from a 2006 study done by National Geographic, which tested the geographic knowledge of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24.

The results of the study suggest young Americans, of which I am one, have a limited awareness of their surroundings. We are more concerned with our Facebook accounts than the latest news headlines. Our eyes are so glued to the miniature screens of our iPhones, they've forgotten what it's like to look at someone and read the lines of their face. Despite our ability to go anywhere, see anything and talk to anyone at unprecedented speeds, we are disconnected from the rest of the world, and most of us don’t even know it. We’ve become comfortable in a bubble, and our worlds are small and self-oriented.

Have we, the youth, lost our will to explore? Are we stuck in our comfort zones, afraid to leave? How did this happen and what is the remedy? America is too big and too influential. The world cannot afford for tomorrow’s leaders to be ignorant, to lack culture, to have closed minds.

I’ve desired global knowledge since I was young. I am a journalist at heart and an explorer by nature. I’ve never been content without knowing about the happenings in other parts of the world, and I’ve always been lured by travel and adventure. There is a lot out there and I've hardly seen any of it. How could anyone be expected to feel content with that?

For these reasons, I’ve done some traveling and I’ve learned its benefits. I spent a semester in Rome, Italy and my worldview changed dramatically. My empathy for the people there transcends borders. I believe every student should spend at least a semester abroad, and make these connections, too. But for those who can’t, we must connect them to these places through stories.

A good story plants a seed. It pushes you to do something you’d not considered before. I remain a journalist because I want more people to expand their minds and be compelled to connect with and learn about the world they live in. We began as a family and we remain one, and we must reach out to distant relatives lost in the digital divide.

Part of the reason young people tune the world out is because they don’t understand it. It’s big, it’s intimidating, and many parts of it are plagued by realities that make the heart ache.

If you pick me to help you tell Africa’s stories, I will write compelling tales young people can read without getting lost. My knowledge of Africa is limited, but I am not afraid to ask questions so I can better understand. My readers will learn with me, and I will challenge them to think with a critical and open mind.

What are my qualifications? I will graduate in May from Indiana University Bloomington with a B.A. in journalism and a political science concentration. I wrote for three years for the IU newspaper (The Indiana Daily Student). This past semester I was the “diversity” beat reporter and covered cultural issues and events on campus and in the community. Currently I write for a local paper called The Herald-Times.

But to be honest, I feel too tame in news reporting. I need to write with unbridled feeling and passion, and so I also blog.

Other than that, I’m optimistic, strong and wild. I am driven to learn and see and touch and I want others to be driven, too. It is urgent that young people learn to unplug and reconnect with the world. We’re the future, and the future is global and the world is huge. We can only help Africa if we know Africa, and too many kids don’t even know which oceans sit where. To them, those oceans are barriers, which we must encourage them to cross.

Tantalizing. Agonizing.

Chirp. Chirp chirp. It's quiet here on Washington Street but for the passing cars. The birds have no doubt enjoyed the weather lately. I have. But I hear maybe there is snow on the way.
I'm sitting on the porch listening to Bright Eyes and working to finish my Win a Trip to Africa essay, which has taken many forms since I began writing it a few weeks ago. It's due today. I have to finish it.

Today was agonizing for a number of reasons. I managed to set my alarm for an hour late and consequently, I was late for work. I got there at 6:45 and wasn't truly awake until around 8:00. It was slow as molasses at The Deli, and I wanted to get outside and breathe. But, I managed to make some money. It was still agonizing.

Last night Jersey's boy Rick came to town a day early and surprised her. I helped sneak him in, but not before giving him bad directions and sending him "half way to Terra Haute." Before he arrived, Jersey, Alison and I drank cocktails, many of which were supposed to be purple but turned out teal. We laughed a lot, like we usually do. And Ali made hotel reservations. I love them all very much, and they know it.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Last year at this time I was in Rome, sick with the flu and missing cooking lessons. Two years ago at this time I was sick with the flu and in Brown County being romantic. I have yet to feel ill, and I've got my fingers crossed.

So, tonight Stacy and I will look for answers in wisps of smoke.

Haven't dreamed much lately. Maybe I got the message.



So I'm up at dawn.
Puttin' on my shoes.
I just want to make
A clean escape
I'm leavin'
but I don't know where to.
I know I'm leavin'
but I don't know where to.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

When water comes to life.

Hope for a cure.
Read that.



It's a beautiful morning. I've been up since 6:30 writing a paper about globalization and its setbacks. This semester has proven to be one of my toughest, as most of the time I am either reading, writing or stressing out about all the reading and writing I need to do. I am only taking 12 credit hours but my African Politics class and my International Newsgathering Systems class are both killer.


But, today is Thursday and that marks the end of my school week, and I plan on taking it easy this weekend. May you do the same.

The big story on the NYtimes website today is about the economy's effects on ethanol production.

Read this, and then read this. Tell me who you're rooting for.


After all that, if you still have any energy, relax and listen to some music (thanks Jers):

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Logic and reason

Well, I've let my emotions run away with my logic. That sums up the past two weeks.
So, I'm back and I'm writing things you, anyone following, will hopefully find interesting.

I've decided, after very little deliberation (as with most things in my life, I've realized), that I will spend this year's spring break traveling. I'm not sure where I'll go, but most likely it will be West. I'm drawn to the Grand Canyon.














So much open, raw earth to touch and kick up and breathe in. I think I just may. But! What will I do about money?! Now taking donations.


Also, thought this looked interesting: Saline Valley, California

In other news, it's storming like hell in Bloomington, but the only thing we really have is wind. No thunder, yet. Just wind and weirdness. Indiana weather is always amazing me with its ability to change its mind so quickly. I do that too though.

I'm writing a story about recent graduates who aren't finding any jobs in their career field. I'm interviewing Meghan Fox, who is working at Enterprise car rental. She looked for months for a job after graduating with a fine arts degree. The economy is in the ditch, in case you didn't get the memo. But of course you did.

Surprisingly, I'm not all that worried about money. If I can't get a job after school (let's be honest. I'm a journalist. The Tribune Co. is bankrupt), I'll do odd jobs and travel and hell, maybe I'll read tarot cards for a living. And I'll see the world, because life is too short to worry about money. It will come when it does. If there is one thing I've learned here in Bloomington, it's that adventure is often right around the corner. All you have to do is go looking.



That's my gnome. And my aloe plant. Both are two of my favorite things.






Political comments are on the way. Honestly, the politics of my own mind have me tangled, so I'm a bit distracted. In the mean time, I suggest you all go here for good news. This guy leaked the Monica/Clinton story before anyone else did. Good stuff.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Hiding out. Hiding out.

I'm not sure what I'm attracting. New things. Strange things. Things of substance, I think. Fleeting things. Springtime always does this...the warmth seeps in and I am inspired.

But tonight I'm not so inspired. My emotions are exhausted. It's warm, and I walked through the moonlit campus, and it was really nice. That's an understatement. I guess I do define myself by my actions. Maybe I should define myself by my feelings. In that sense, I am elated and exhausted at the same time. I feel the pull of the moon, it's tugging at my heart strings. It's telling me to go do things. Maybe spring will bring much needed change. Scary. But I need it. But I don't want to have to make any decisions. I want them to be made for me. How lazy. Can't life just be easy like that? Point me in the right direction and I shall go!

Anyway. My emotions. I am not satisfied. My emotions are not satisfied with my circumstances. Hm...
Now what?

Journey of the featherless.

Got myself a mission
I'm going to find heaven
I made paper wings
I think they'll carry me a while

I left you a love poem
The best I have written
My favorite words
Were the ones I couldn't spell

They say that I'm a lunatic
They say that I am full of it
I say that it's worth dreaming
Just for the dream of it

It's all about passion
It's all about perception
Don't call me on my cell phone
'Cause there ain't no reception

When I'm gone
When I'm gone

I think I'm growing feathers
But I'm not quite sure of it
'Cause I started getting dizzy
About a Hundred feet up

I made friends with the clouds
I made friends with the birds
If you ask a goose a question
He never shuts up

And honestly I miss you
And I hope that you're missing me
Cause I could use your lips on me
And a little bit of Dramamine

For the moment I can see
Way better than I've ever seen
Don't sell my stuff on eBay
Cause I might need it back before I'm gone

Before I'm gone

I'm not the kind of man
Who's into looking downward
I've drank my share of pity
From the bartender's cup

So many people
Wondering "What's the right direction?"
As far as I'm concerned
There's only one way up

And my fingers, they are blisters
And my eyes, they are bullet holes
But my hearts still beating
Guess I'm pretty lucky

Pretty lucky
Pretty lucky

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Words from Women Who Run With the Wolves

For many modern women, it is not the driving about in the dark looking for the soulskin that is the most fearsome. rather it is the diving into the water, the actual return to home, and especially the actual leavetaking, that are far more formidable. Though women come back into themselves, draw on the sealskin, pat it closed and are ready to go, it is hard to go; really, really hard to cede, to hand over whatever we've been so busy with, and just leave.

"...one night
there's a heartbeat at the door.
Outside, a woman in the fog,
with hair of twigs and a dress of weed,
dripping green lake water.
She says 'I am you,
and I have traveled a long distance.
Come with me, there is something I must show you...'
She turns to go, her cloak falls open, Suddenly, golden light...everywhere, golden light..."

Follow the call, even when we've no idea of where to go, in what direction, or for how long. All we know is that like the child in the tale, we must sit up, get up and go see. So maybe we stumble around in the dark for a while trying to find what calls us, but because we have managed to not talk ourselves out of being summoned by the wild one, we invariably stumble over the soulskin. When we breathe up that soul-state, we automatically enter the feeling state of "This is right. I know what I need."

Women know, absolutely know, when they have stayed overlong in the world. They know when they are overdue for home. Their bodies are in the here and now, but their minds are far, far away.

They are dying for new life. They are panting for the sea. They are living just for the next month, just till this semester is past, cant wait till winter is finally over so they can feel alive again, just waiting for a mystically assigned date somewhere in the future when they will be free to do some wondrous thing. They think they will die if they don't ... you fill in the blank. And there is a quality of mourning to it all. There is angst. There is bereftness. There is wistfulness. There is longing. There is plucking at threats in one's skirt and staring long from windows. And it is not a temporary discomfort. It stays, and grows more and more intense over time.


Some women are afraid that those around them will not understand their need for return. And not all may. but the woman must understand this herself: When a woman goes home according to her own cycles, others around her are given their own individuation work, their own vital issues to deal with. Her return to home allows others growth and development too.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Somedays

Somedays aren't yours at all,
They come and go
As if they're someone else's days
They come and leave you behind someone else's face
And it's harsher than yours
And colder than yours

They come in all quiet
Sweep up and then they leave
And you don't hear a single floor board creak
They're so much stronger
Than the friends you try to keep
By your side

Downtown, Downtown
I'm not here, not anymore
I've gone away
Don't call me, don't write

Just a picture.



That's all.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Point blank.


I want travel. I want music. I want color.

I want love. I want inspiration.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Attention, please.

I feel I may starve unless something happens soon. I just might.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Odd. and happy.


Looking for comfort. Avoiding dull readings and rave reviews of these dull readings. Quietly stalking. Bubbling rice, chopping canned vegetables. Everything askew. Blankets in lofty, unkempt waves and yesterday's socks over there. I've been sitting here for hours doing little but entertaining my ego. And it feels nice.


oh
the wild one
she stirs
she snarls
she sits and waits.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Predicting tomorrow

I need more time to be quite and creative and aware. I need time to get back in touch and step away from the rigid, scheduled and anxiously meaningless actions I seem to be caught in.

A few nights ago I dreamed that I was in a broken down grade school somewhere in Africa. The children surrounded me, tugging at me. The colors were vivid, orange and green and yellow and brown. Tall women beckoned me to admire their handmade crafts. I held one between my fingers, fondling it and decided I would purchase it. But before I did so, I opened up my notepad and started to write about what was happening around me. I was taking notes.

I woke up confused, but delighted by the sensation left with me in my waking.

I went to class and my professor showed us this: win a trip

Perhaps I'm the only one who will ever think my dream was a push. But, I am applying, and just maybe I'll go.



"Dreams seem to take the material from the past, the present and the future. Almost as though the dream maker has no time-space relationship but rather can travel in any direction - pas,t present, or future."

Monday, January 19, 2009

Missing Italy. Thinking politics.

I am sitting at Soma, as I have been for a few hours now. I've been studying and I've made some major dents in my work load. Of course, I've been putting this off, and all the reading is due tomorrow. But at least I'm doing it.

Anyway, there are two men sitting across from me and they're practicing their Italian and listening to them talk makes me miss the language and the experience I had in Rome. It's such a beautiful way of speaking. I can understand bits and pieces but I can't put it all together. I wish I could.

I read this article for class. I think you should read it, too.

Realignment, Now More Than Ever