One cop out after the next

It's so easy.
It's so easy to lose hope when you have been trying so hard to reach just one of your goals.
And keeping faith is so hard.
I've compromised so much lately just to ensure a better chance for myself.
Or maybe I've compromised because I'm scared of making a decision for myself instead of having it made for me.
If I had been offered a job somewhere, anywhere, I'd go there.
But I haven't, and so it's hard to go anywhere.
And so I've come home.
And it's not that I don't like it here.
But this is not where I want to be.
Of all my choices, I've chosen the one that is the safest and the least fulfilling.

This is not who I wanted to be.
I want to be brave, fearless, adventuresome.
No more of this playing it safe.

If I don't have a job by the summertime, I'm doing one or more of the following things (I'm telling you now because I have to write it down somewhere or it will never be real, it will never happen. It will be as though I never thought it, at all):
1. Making a huge road trip to the west
2. Moving to New York City
3. Moving to Chicago
4. Making plans to go back to school

So, in the mean time, my plan is to make as much money as possible. I'm stuck here until I save money, anyway. But while I'm here I need to make a point to do things that make me feel happy. Coming back home has a way of making me dull, smothering me. It's like I'm 15 again, looking for myself and completely unaware of my wants, likes, abilities, passions.
I don't want to just survive. I don't want to stay afloat. I don't want any of that barely living but still living bullshit. I want to live so hard that I could die tomorrow.

So, I'm welcoming change in to my life. And tomorrow I'm going looking for an adventure. My mother would ask me, "What is it that scares you the most? Find it and do it." I'll have to think on that one.

I hope I wake up before noon tomorrow.

Do we ever really become who we want(ed) to be?

Some rambling convictions

Lately I've spent a lot of time trying to find a way to be successful, creative and generally productive without a full time writing job. More than many things, I want to get paid to tell good stories, but it seems the world has little need for story tellers right now. Instead there is a call for investment bankers, economists and the like.

However, I refuse to believe our people have been consumed, digested and reborn as sterile, number crunching robots with no sense of connection unless fed by a remote control or an electrical outlet. It cannot be that there is no need for creative sharing between humans. It is impossible that we are only interested in our individual lives and I don't believe we, as a people, are content in just being awake. Just breathing...blinking.

We want to live. We want to understand our purpose for living. That's why we go to bookstores and search the aisles for a gripping novel to read in what little spare time we have. It's why we buy candles when we don't need them to illuminate our houses but just want to bask in their warm, flickering light. It's why we meditate when the only real minimum requirement is eight hours of shut eye. It's why we still sit down together for holidays when we could settle for a conference call or a Skype session. It's why we still look into the eyes of our loved ones and why we all wonder, every single day, what the person next to us is thinking. We want to connect with our souls. We want to feed our spirits. We want to study our existence as living beings. We are still trying to figure out where we came from and why. We are still trying to find meaning in our lives and this cannot be found without extending outward to those around us.

It is for these reasons I refuse to believe humans have maxed out their creativity intake. There is room for more. In fact, there is a gaping hole waiting to be filled with new ideas, new stories, the ponderous thoughts and concerns of the people around us. Our meaning doesn't lie within our bank accounts or computer hard drives. So let's step away. Step away and cradle the value in a good conversation, in understanding human nature. Doing such is like coming home from a barren landscape to an oasis of nourishment

We all feel the same emotions. Sharing them and studying them like the precious clues they are can bring us closer to enlightenment, well being, inner and outer peace.

Platforms

Life knocked me off my platform
so I pulled out my first pair of boots
bought on the street at Astor Place
before New York was run by suits

And I suited up for the long walk
back to myself
closer to the ground now
with sorrow
and stealth.

-Ani DiFranco.

My Tumblr.

Also, I have a Tumblr, which is essentially another blog, but it's better. I'll still post on here from time to time, but whatever I put on here, goes to my Tumblr.
The link is here.

Enjoy.